Trusts in the Midst of Worry and Pain

Day 11 of quarantine, the entire Luzon region has been placed to community quarantine including Metro Manila under locked down and curfew hours. Getting necessities such as food and medicine had become inconvenient. The boredom of not going out of the condo unit is growing, the pool is closed, the lobby is empty, the lounge is also closed. No where to roam around or can’t even just to get a ray of the sunset as I used to.

“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭NASB‬‬

The growing number of the corona virus infected individuals grew to five hundred plus over the past four days itself. As I monitor the situation with the numbers of positive patients, the mortality even the small hope of the number of recoveries took a toll on my mental health. Fear have crept in, even the paranoia of just having my usual allergic rhinitis and itchy throat. Adding the projections of self acclaimed economic experts, about recessions and the impact to the financial systems. Will I loose my job or is it the reality of the questions deep within me, will I loose all the comfort I have right now?

I tried to compensate the demands of my work, after all that emergency calls and meetings even over the weekend. I shared my blessings to the men in uniform stationed at the posts they have set up outside the condominium buildings. They were called “checkpoints” where they can inspect civilians passing through one city to another and limiting people particularly during curfew hours. After months, I messaged Kevin, telling him of the good deeds I have done with his fellow men in uniform. But the Spirit pinched my heart. What is my real motive of sharing my blessings with these men in uniform, even our security guards at the lobby and our custodial personnel? Am I doing this so I can have an excuse to communicate again to Kevin? After receiving sort of a copy paste message from Kevin, I lost my taste, my appetite to communicate with him again. No concerns or whatever about my welfare. I said to my self, why would I continue to do good works for this man. I do not need his approval. I cannot go back. I cannot change the past. I cannot control Kevin’s feelings, so why would I exert effort just to try to win him back again?

“Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭9:7‬ ‭NASB‬‬

With the growing fear, the rejections time and again not only from Kevin, but in the office as well. Maybe due to different stress levels, people are not treating people as humans anymore. In those days of emergency I felt like a robot being pushed from left and right, humanity was set aside, work must continue despite the lockdown. All of the anxieties, the worry of contracting the virus grew bigger and bigger. Then I came to my senses of not wanting what I am doing for work anymore. I do not know what to do instead either. But in the midst of all these, I looked at the lives of Kevin, the police and the military, the nurses and the doctors. Even the delivery guy on his motorcycle just to deliver me my groceries and fast food. The security guards and janitors, janitress who tirelessly looked after our safety here in the condominium unit. I told my self, they are doing what they are doing even risking their own lives out there for us because they have a purpose. I must find that purpose also, why I am still working where I am working now. In the comfort of my own home, with air-condition unit, with food in the refrigerator that will last for days and a couple of weeks. While others just like the military and police men 36 levels down on the ground – manning a thin black tent not minding the heat and vehicle smoke, but most of all the high risk of getting contact with a virus infected individual, the risk of infection, the risk of dying while in their call of duty. So will I ever complain if I am not having the conversation with Kevin that I want to be? That is his life, this is my life, he has his purpose, God has his purpose with me as well. In times when the whole world is at war with a pandemic that we cannot see. It is easy to give in to worry and fear. But it is also high time for His people to see His wrath… that we are mere vulnerable human being, God is bigger than our fear, bigger than our frustrations, bigger than our longings for acceptance, for approval, for love. God is bigger than what we can see or feel, taste or smell… God is bigger than our own fear for He is more concerned about our character rather than our own comfort. Today and more than ever God shows His strength for us to realize how frail we are. We need some One bigger than our selves, bigger than our failures nor successes. Today, more than ever we realize how vulnerable we are and we need God, some One greater, some One bigger than ourselves. It is true that the antidote of fear is trust, as He said in His Words, trust in Him and lean not to our own understanding. Our full dependency is on Him, no nothing can come out of our own selves, our own will, our own striving – nor with other people, places nor circumstances – no nothing. Our dependency is in Him alone. Will I ever complain again? Will I ever look for the things and relationships I don’t have at the moment? I am human yes… but knowing I have my Father before me and behind me, my confidence is in Him. Do I worry? yes a lot, do I still have fear? Yes I fear for my life and my loveones. But peace is not the absence of fear, it is doing the right thing in spite of fear. Placing our trust in Him in the midst of overwhelming anxiety, worry and fear. Though the enemy of our soul encamps and surround us, I take a stand in His Holy Ground, with the Blood of The Lamb, Jesus Christ – we can tell the enemy “you shall not pass”… In Him alone we will trust.

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