It’s been a while.
I miss writing.
I miss His Words.
I miss spending time with Him.
So today I went back to my morning yoga prayer. I don’t know, I just woke up before six this morning – having allergies (what’s new). Had a quick shower, sported my yoga tights, Nike tank top and Ambercombie sweat shirt. The air is now Christmas cold… good thing I have my hoodie. The sky was clear, clear blue not a shade of cloud as I raise my hands and lay for that stretch. I couldn’t focus (also… what’s new). The mountains were still covered with thick layer of fog, of smoke or mist what so ever. My mind kept on running, it’s all about Kevin. Do I have to explain my intentions further? Did I said anything that I need to delete from our social media accounts? Do I send him more and more words to encourage… to let him know I am here for him… No I said that maybe too much… aaahhh why does my mind keeps running so fast… In my case yoga helped so much, it teaches my mind to focus on one thing even if it is as simple as breathing, or with the verses of the Bible recited on each and every pause and yoga pose. Journaling also helped, particularly journal planners with dates and schedules. Yoga prayers, writing, they all keep my mind structured, focused but more than that, rested. So if you have stayed with me in this journey and have same struggles like mine, my only suggestion is to know and understand your mind and body. But more than that we have to feed our soul with what ever things that are good, lovely, honorable… as it is written in the book of Philippians.
“But Moses gave no allotment of land to the tribe of Levi, for the Lord, the God of Israel, had promised that he himself would be their allotment.”
Joshua 13:33 NLT
The Levites received no specific territory for an inheritance – God Himself was their inheritance. God, however, did not leave them homeless to roam the countryside, but he gave them cities in which to live and pasturelands to manage. What a great reminder to us. When we focus on what we have or don’t have, we often forget that our greatest inheritance is God Himself.– The Life Recovery Bible, commentary, Joshua 14:1-5
Too often I have fallen and stayed in the comparison trap. Either I felt inferior, damaged, not even good enough. But as I said, in order to survive with, or should I say thrive with anxiety disorders it is important not only to adapt a healthy physical and mental habits. Most importantly, we have to feed our minds with what is good. So now it is crucial to choose, if not to identify what is good. Time and again Pastor Peter have long preached over and over again that I have to go back to God’s Words. True enough, that inner voice reminds me that we all have our promised land. That the promised land or God’s best is not only reserved to the strong, the giants of Canaan and seemingly perfect people living in their perfect lives. More often than not, God uses broken people like you and me. To remind us that there is no good out of our own selves and that we are all totally dependent on Him. Apart from God, we cannot do anything – apart from Him we are nothing.
So today I am reminded once more. I fret that day when my bosses at the office will tell me the same performance rating and due to cost cutting (and all of their excuses) will not promote me again this year. I fret that day when all that has been said and done with my adopted daughter, she will eventually leave me and live her own life as a wife, mother and a medical doctor. But most of all I fret that day when Kevin leaves me for another girl… will he really leave me? Will he ever leave if he was never been with me in the first place? Aaaaahhhhh all these thoughts it’s crazy… this is madness… it’s exhausting just to think about all of them. But yes… yet again God reminded me. Just as the Levites received no portion of the promised land. The truth remains – God took care of them. God did not allow these Levites to be homeless, they were provided for, nurtured, cared for. If I were born as a Levite in those days, I could have fret and wallow on the things I don’t have – an inheritance, I maybe one of those protesters with placards in bold print, where is my lot! Where is my portion! Which sadly, I maybe doing right now in this time and age. Instead of thanking God for giving me the opportunity to meet a man like Kevin. To the point of giving him a threat that I will leave and never come back. But the truth is, no matter how many times I ran away from Kevin, I am the one who always comes back to him. I chose to remain even it hurts to the core. Why? The truth is I need Kevin more than he needs me. Or is it? As they say behind a great man is a woman. Kevin is a man of few words, in the midst of all my drama, he said that I taught him that no matter how big the problem is… everything shall pass… these too shall pass. But for me I learned more from him, and this learning may come from my biggest mistake, my biggest regret of telling him that I do not have plans of getting married or have my own family. I told that to him after seeking second, third opinion about my uterus health condition. I tried to take that back, in my desperate effort for him to stay. Soon I came to realize that I am too short sighted of God’s plan for me. That I have failed to trust God for His will in my life. I have believed the lie in my head, that having a good husband, children and family belong to those perfect women, with almost perfect beauty living in their fairy tale lives. I envy my friends living in different parts of the world like Australia and London with their own families. But I thank God for His Words – I too have a promised land, just like the Israelites, or the Levites. It may not be a property, a real estate, money, possessions, positions, it may not be a husband, nor children of my own, nor a family of my own. I do not know, sometimes I blame my self.. maybe the reason why God is not giving a boyfriend is because I never asked God for a husband, a partner in life. Kevin changed that. Today I learned that relationship is not about labels, not about counting the anniversaries, monthsaries or daysaries… Relationship is being there for each other, to be a stronghold when the other is weak. To speak the right and encouraging kindest words when the other needs it most. That relationship is not about how much I have received, not how much I have given, but to see beyond longings. It’s all about sacrifices and not expecting anything in return. Not about what’s in it for me but what’s in it for him. Now I have appreciated the true meaning of marriage. It is the foreshadow of what is to come. Based on love, united in faith… It is the foreshadow of tri-unity, Three in One. Man Woman God. God The Father, God The Son, God The Holy Spirit. Before, I believed that fairy tale, that knight and shining armour who will save me from all my despair. Kevin did just that, he saved me from self destruction. But it’s about time to value what is really important, what really matters most, what will last. Without faith it is impossible to please God. God is a rewarder of faith. I have chosen to love Kevin, not out of feelings, but I chose to trust God, to put my faith in Him that He has our best interest at heart. I really don’t know what the future holds. All I know is I have Kevin’s back, to be there for him and let him know I am by his side always… forever, if there is a life time for the both of us. Above all I choose to put my hope in God. After all the ultimate blessings is God Himself. He will be my portion. God Himself is my greatest reward.