Another typhoon had passed, it wrecked havoc in southern and central region of the Philippines. As one of the risk managers of the bank, I must admit, I too became worried. Truly we cannot accomplish anything all by our selves. It takes unity, harmony to deal with a great task of keeping almost a thousand people safe and well informed, not just here in the Philippines but with our sister sites as well in Malaysia and India. All storm passed, this too shall pass… I told my self.
Aayusin ko muna ang sarili ko. Baka pag dating ng panahon handa na ako. Kung di man kami mag kita ulit, at least naiayos ko ang sarili ko.
I will fix my self first. Once the right time has come, I am ready by then. But even if the right time and the right one doesn’t come… at least I have some how fixed my self.
These were the words I told to my discipleship leader on messenger. She was giving me advice on investing with life and pension insurance plans. All the things that at this point in our lives, while we are strong and earning as much as we could. It is about time to set aside funds for emergencies and of course, retirement. When I look back these past days and months, I wonder why I do not have the appetite for work. Is it lack of inspiration or is it just that I am lazy. It’s the end of the year, the last month of the year 2019. Perhaps I should start to realise the relief of being free from certain debts as I enter 2020. That I have to move away from certain female friends whom I thought would help me with savings and investments. From a former office mate from my previous employer, a Malaysian bank. To a friend I met during my travels in Palawan. I guess that’s part of growing up, of maturity, letting go of people not because you no longer need them but because there are women whom I thought I can trust but I can no longer be with them if I pursue to align my self to what God has intended me to be. God said do not owe anyone except to love one another. This former office mate of mine took me to indebtedness with loan sharks. While this friend of mine in Palawan, though she’s been with me all through my ups and downs in the island, pushes me to get more loans just to invest in her so called entrepreneurship and grabbing all the business opportunities of the beach life. Pastor Peter said God has a plan for me and it may not always be what I want. As much as I wanted to have a lot of girlfriends, to have a gang just to say that I belong, that I fit in. I know in my heart it’s about time to look for and make new friends. So I am excited now to meet my discipleship group, these are small groups at church where each small groups rolls up to an area pastor and the area pastor to the leadership of the church. Since Christ Commission Fellowship is a community of thousands if not millions of believers, in order to pray, share and care for people – small groups are formed to address individual needs of members like me. I am also excited, once the holiday is over. I can go back to church to continue my foundational bible studies. Then I can join the “Glorious Hope” Recovery Program once more not just a participant but to be trained and discipled so I can someday serve in this ministry. It will be a long way before my adopted daughter and I reach our dream for her to become a doctor, until then I have to study, go back to get certifications related to internal audit and risk management. If I intend to stay long in the bank to support not just my daughter, myself and family but also to support the ministry God has called me to get involved with. I am also excited that by next year, since I will be free from certain debts this month of December. By January, I can bring my sister and even my brother’s family to church.
One thing I learned from my life long recovery, if there are people or situations that pulls us down, it is important to train not just our mind but our hearts to what lies ahead. Today I realised the reason why I do not have the taste to do work is because I just get my pay and pay my debts. That I am lonely, with this loneliness I buy things, things that I don’t need to impress people I do not like. It’s weakening to realise that my hard earned money just go to expensive stuff, without careful planning and priorities – if I will continue to live the life I lived this year until the remaining years of my existence here on earth, I will end up my old days broke and alone. I am also excited now to pay my tithes and offerings at church this year, I am also praying that by the time I receive my performance bonus, I could now bring back the vow I have pledged for the church building. Though my thoughts still lingers about Kevin, somehow I am happy, I want to spend my life sharing and being part of his dreams. That for the longest time, someone have asked me to be part of his aspirations in the future. I want to support Kevin, I want to be there if he needs someone, someone who will partner with him to reach his goals. But all of these may remain a dream, a heart’s desire. I do not know if he is teaching me to be independent, to be strong, formidable in a sense that I am not emotional and mentally dependent on him. That I need to be emotionally intelligent and independent even if he is not always around. That I need to keep an open mind and understand that he is a young military officer, busy, yes busy with the matters of discipline, protection and security. That I need to learn to take care of my self and my daughter, that I may need to resolve problems on my own without waiting for him, for his opinion, for his decision. I do not know to be honest, I have no idea. But aside from focusing my mind to what lies ahead, to focus on what ever is true, noble, to what is good. I have learned a mantra, if that’s what you call it. Every time I miss Kevin, long for his kiss, his touch… or resent over all the small things that makes him less caring. Or even all the frustrations and imperfections of what I have in the office. I have learned to put my hands on my chest, trying to get a grasp of my heart and say, Jesus you are enough, I am content with what you have given me right now. Even if I don’t hear from Kevin, as I hold my heart, I am content that You all love us and have our best interest at heart. Even if I don’t get promoted, I am content, that I have done the best I can with the little that I have for His glory. Even if I have not carried a child for nine months in my own womb, I am content, I am thankful I am given the opportunity to experience how it is to be a mother to a beautiful daughter. I am thankful I have a job to support her to school. I am thankful I have a job that someday if it’s God’s will I can support the dreams of Kevin, that his dream will become mine, our dream, in His time… if there will be a time.
Where is your mommy? the doctor asked my daughter. She went to the rest room my daughter replied. Tita (Aunt) I didn’t corrected her anymore as she gave away that sweet smile to me, then we both went inside her doctor’s clinic. I messaged Kevin just I have always tell him of my whereabouts, no response. Is this the last straw? I asked myself once more. If he is less caring with me, why would he care for my daughter? But who am I to judge Kevin, do I give up again, move away only to come back again to him, then scheme my all way out just to make him stay? My choice is just do whatever I can do within my control and capability, at least I have done everything I can and could, if Kevin is here it would be much better but if not… I will put my hands to my chest again and whisper those words again – Jesus You are enough… I am content.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Philippians 4:8 NIV