Broken

I wore my little wrap around black dress to the office work today. Yes I ran hailing my shared drive to the office with my Nike sneakers. But at the office I changed shoes and sported a pointed stilleto heels – ankle black leather boots. So I tried for the first time the leg warmer socks I got from my favorite surplus shop last weekend, it’s also knitted in black by the way. I loved it, they kept my short fat legs warm. After my call with the global team with London and the rest of my colleagues in Asia, I went off the runway so to speak. Outside the building, the aspalt make shift road along the man made lagoon were uneven and dark pitch black at night. There were yellow dim lights along and it made all the scene cozy. I managed to take that ten minute walk to the hub where the restaurants are. Balance is the key, yes… I made sure to take careful steps in between the concrete tiles and crooked aspalt holes. Finally I took the short, not the long path and reached my destination, now I can eat – I quietly exclaimed.

God wants you to be happy, but more than happiness, He is concerned with your holiness.

– Bettina Carlos, Men & Women Conference 2019 October 12, 2019 Christ’s Commission Fellowship Northdrive Mall

The right thing at the wrong time is a wrong thing. When we’re not careful, we sometimes don’t realize that we’re already getting ahead of God. God wants us to be happy and He wants that happiness secured in Him alone. He looks to our heart and desires to have it set apart and holy for Him. He wants us to be secured in His love so much that no other thing or person can equal it. “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.” (Psalm 37:4). There is a reason why delighting in the Lord precedes our own desires. He is more concerned of our relationship and walk with Him more than anything.

– Chritst’s Commission Fellowship Discipleship Group in United Kingdom, Facebook post October 29, 2019

Until now Kevin no longer responds to my messages. But this time it’s different… Numb. I’m numbed. No, tired is not the word. I am calloused. I no longer feel any pain. My yearning lapsed. For some reason I don’t feel anything. I really don’t care anymore if he will respond back or not. I am no longer bound. I am no longer obligated. No longer a slave to my own emotional tendencies. Am I healed? Is this what they call freedom?

Conrad Hotel Hong Kong

Today I went back to my yoga prayer and bible reading. One point that caught me are the words from a person named Achan, “I WANTED THEM SO MUCH THAT I TOOK THEM”. These words resonate to me more than anything. It is when I read between those lines of “The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.” When I was about to take my bath and dress up for office, I said my silent prayers. “Lord, what is it that You want me to hear from You today?” It is clear, Kevin and I will never be the same again. I don’t need a reason, I don’t need a closure but I do know I have to keep moving on. God knows how I wanted to fulfill all my promises to Kevin. Bring him the stuff he needs for mountaineering. The rottweiler puppy that we ever wanted together. For me I did my part, as far as I am concerned. I have no one to communicate to but Kevin. That’s my own rule. So if he is not responding to me directly, I am not obligated, I am free from my oath. I have done my part. I am not giving up, I am giving Kevin his own freedom. Just as I have to embrace my own freedom too. Separate ways… different directions… lives apart.

“Achan replied, “It is true! I have sinned against the Lord, the God of Israel. Among the plunder I saw a beautiful robe from Babylon, 200 silver coins, and a bar of gold weighing more than a pound. I wanted them so much that I took them. They are hidden in the ground beneath my tent, with the silver buried deeper than the rest.””
‭‭Joshua‬ ‭7:20-21‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Once Achan was identified as the guilty party, he confessed his sin, but his confession came too late. Had he confessed earlier, he might have prevented the Israelite defeat and the death of his family members. After having Achan and his family stoned to death, Joshua erected another monument of stones. This monument, however, was not to commemorate God’s great power of deliverance but to be a reminder that the sin of one person can negatively impact the well-being of many people. Perhaps each of us should write down when and where we rebelled against God and how that impacted our life and the lives of those around us. If we are to learn from our mistakes, we must remember not only the result but also the steps that led to our turning away from God.

Joshua 7:20-26 commentary, The Life Recovery Bible

“So Joshua sent some men to make a search. They ran to the tent and found the stolen goods hidden there, just as Achan had said, with the silver buried beneath the rest. They took the things from the tent and brought them to Joshua and all the Israelites. Then they laid them on the ground in the presence of the Lord. Then Joshua and all the Israelites took Achan, the silver, the robe, the bar of gold, his sons, daughters, cattle, donkeys, sheep, goats, tent, and everything he had, and they brought them to the valley of Achor. Then Joshua said to Achan, “Why have you brought trouble on us? The Lord will now bring trouble on you.” And all the Israelites stoned Achan and his family and burned their bodies. They piled a great heap of stones over Achan, which remains to this day. That is why the place has been called the Valley of Trouble ever since. So the Lord was no longer angry.”
‭‭Joshua‬ ‭7:22-26‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Conrad Hotel Hong Kong

Then I am reminded of Pastor Peter’s sermon, do not be equally yoked with an unbeliever. Singles, (yes… hands up Pastor that’s me…) do not settle for an unbeliever, do not settle and compromise. Why? Because it is for your protection. I dream of getting my own dog at the beach, then I go back to Manila. By the time I return to the beach my dog and my own man will both longingly wait for my return. This is the longing, but it may be superficial. I may be just scratching the surface. My deep need, my deep longing is intimacy with the Lord. I can no longer run, I can no longer hide. I have to nurture the way I was designed by my Maker. I can no longer deny my true identity in Christ. I can’t stay this way, I have to grow and mature, I have to choose, I need to be wise and careful in my decisions now. I can no longer compromise.

Hong Kong

What will you do if something is broken? Pastor Peter added. In this world, if something is broken, people will throw it away, it will be discarded. But with God it is entirely different. Who else will be able to fix someone or something other than the Maker Himself. How do we fix something for example, we bring them to the manufacturer that owns the master design. We do not bring a broken Volkswagen car to Mercedes Benz don’t we? Like the illustration of Kintsugi, where the Master Artist pick up the broken pieces of ceramic wares and put it back together with gold filling to make a masterpiece. Or the marble block in the hands of a Master Sculptor to become a great piece of art like the statue of David. Or the rock that has to be broken to bits and pieces just to extract the diamond and other precious stones and metals from within. Being broken is painful but necessary, Pastor Peter continued. If not getting the relationship I ever wanted is God’s way to break me, so be it. My life is in the hands of my Maker. Just as Pastor Bong Saquing told us this one Sunday. Don’t be just broken to anyone or anything. Broken pieces of ceramics are just trampled upon, but in the hands of Kintsugi Master Artist they are extraordinary. Just as the marbles and other rocks are stepped on and disregarded, unnoticed and neglected. But in the hands of a Jeweler and Master Sculptor, they are chiseled, hammered, cut to bits and pieces just to reveal the Master’s design. I may be just one of those women for Kevin, he broke my heart but I can choose not to remain. I now choose to be broken before God, He is My Master Crafter. He is My Master Maker. He alone can fix me, pick up the pieces again and make me whole.

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