What will you do if someone you love doesn’t choose to love you back?
I booked another trip to the Palawan Islands.
The sunset today was absolutely stunning. I had to stay at home today because I had asthma allergy attacks at the office last night. I don’t know for sure but I really felt cold and un easy with all the noise at the office. With our cubicles cramped in that office floor all the noise from one neighbor to another made all the anxiety or panic attacks worsts. So I had to stay at home today. I have to face the reality that I can no longer afford to stay late at night at the office. With all that bright fluorescent lights and cold air condition operations floor. My body is already rejecting that kind of working environment. I need to listen to how my body works this time. I have to deal with my own circadian rythm. I have to follow what works and the discipline to deal with what doesn’t work.
Another thing is food. I had my dose after dose of sweets and fast foods, from pizza, chocolates, chips to sugary coffee and breads. But one thing I noticed this time is when I joined my nephew and niece in their swimming at the pool. I didn’t get the itching or infection that I usually get when I swim at the condominium pool. It may be that the pool was clean enough and safe for swimming or I may have had my fare share of happy moments by spending quality time with my family that weekend. I love the bubble pool, it reminded me of the beach, those gray blue hues – ahh weekend… I will do that again. When my sister and her kids got back up the condo unit. I remain in the pool, it was a sneak peak “me” time – all alone, indeed the entire pool all to my self. God have His ways to pamper us, just to recharge us for all the good works that lay ahead.
I am too beautiful to waste my life in pain, agony and loss of someone who never and will never loved me back. That came out of no where. This thought got me out of the bed this morning. All of us have our own promise land – I have to keep the faith that God have something good and exciting in store for me. Loss is a loss, I have lost Kevin, but God has something for me too. I may have to wait. I may have to sacrifice. But I know I have to obey. That I have to take care, but more than that, be extra careful with my thought life and thought process. There may be a script that has been passed down from generations past, sin, rage, un forgiveness, idolatry, immorality, adultery, addiction and all sorts of emotional and mental baggages. But God is writing a new script of my life right now. This new script that I can pass on to the next generations to come. I have grown tired and weary writing my own story. This time I will allow God to write the script, His script, not mine. For anywhere I go, I can see God’s hand. I know in my heart that He is with me no matter where I go. Whatever I choose, He is there for me waiting, waiting for me to come home. One example is when I surrendered all my effort to search and look for Kevin, if all else fails (as it always have been) I will resort to online shopping and other means of spending. Just to fill the void, that emptiness. But when I got tired of being tired, of chasing the wrong person for all the wrong reason. I saw God’s favor, slowly I was able to pay my debts and get back my belongings – one by one. Will I give up now? Next month will be my bonus pay. I will be able to be free from several monthly debts, and yes I can go back to Palawan Islands – this time worry free.
There probably have been times when we all had high hopes for a promising life – before those hopes were dashed. But then, through the crazy and chaotic circumstances of growing up, we learned to settle for a life that was far less than what we had once hoped for.
God led the nation of Israel out of bondage in Egypt, through the wilderness, and to the edge of the Promised Land. But as the Israelites stood on the border looking into the fruitful and prosperous land of Canaan, they lacked the faith and courage to go in because of the scouts’ reports of the powerful ‘giants’ living there. Joshua was one of the few who had the faith to enter, but because of the others, he was held back. Forty years later the chance came again. Just before he entered the land, the Lord told him, “This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” – Joshua 1:9
We may have concluded that a good and healthy life is reserved for people who are better or stronger than we are, but there is Promised Land for each one of us. Jeremiah 29:11 says: ‘For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’ We need to be courageous. We need to believe that there can be good things in life for us. We too, can be encouraged that regardless of our own past failures and those of our family, we can start again. We can find our way out of the chaos of the wilderness into the Promised Land of PRODUCTIVE and HEALTY LIVING.
– The Life Recovery Bible, Read Joshua 1:1-9
““Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.””
Joshua 1:7-9 NIV