For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
In my struggle with pornography, masturbation and online shopping – God gave me this Bible verse this morning. I felt heavy, I cannot forgive my self, I was crying myself to sleep. I sent a message to Kevin the other day, telling him I am already here in Manila. No response, just “seen” in FB messenger app. I do not know if he’s upset I didn’t go and see him when I was in Palawan. Maybe he has found a new girl friend so he had to dispatch, discard, do away with an emotionally unstable mistress like me. My paranoia goes on as I see a lot of uniformed men at the park outside our office buildings. It maybe that these men remind me of him or this illness of the mind that everything and everyone revolves around my self-centered self. I also fear the Bible where it was told, once the demons found a place clean and empty, they will go back to that same place bringing legions. The state of that place or that person have become worst than ever it was before.
So I went down to the pool side, bringing along my yoga mat, I have a 4pm meeting with the bosses to catch but I really really badly needed this quiet time. God gave me this verse in the bible, weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. I may not be easy on my self, not forgiving to my own self, having high expectations so I quickly swift to disappointments with my own failures. Failure to change and become a new person despite going through the therapy program. Perhaps I ask the question, what now, there will be no Glorious Hope program until next year. How I quickly forget the reality that I am powerless to my own sins, my hang ups, bad habits and addictions. That I need the higher power of Jesus Christ not only to survive, not only to exist, not only to get through but to thrive. To go back to becoming the person, the daughter God wants me to be. To go back to God’s original design, original plan for me and my life. To submit to the process of knowing and living how God designed me, to do the good works He has prepared in advance for me to do. I thank God for writing, this is where I can map out my mind when everything runs in my head non stop. All the negative self talk, fears, worries and anxiety. I should embrace my new way of life now but I should also embrace my failures and difficulties knowing that through faith, not by sight, God will be by my side no matter what. That God sees me when I start to anxiously wait for Kevin to respond to me.. when I rehearse all the joy and pain of having and loosing Kevin over and over again in my head. That God sees me when I looked at the promoted ranks of my batch mate colleagues in the bank where I work. That God sees me when I loose my mind looking at the disconnection notices and past due, overdue correspondences. That God sees me when I couldn’t even manage my own calendar. Even when I do not know where to start or where to go. God will never leave me nor forsake me. He promised that to me when I was a teen ager battling paranoia and nervous breakdown. He had been with me before, He will be with me now , no, no one, nothing can take me away from His hands. There is Hope. There is a reason for joy. I just need to hold on to it. Kevin, in his last messages to me, believed that I can make it and over come. He also said once in my recent visit to Palawan… live freely. Those maybe the last time that I will hear from him. I have to accept and take it from here. For I know this time I will never be alone – God is faithful. I just need to hold on to that. I just have to hang on.