New beginning means something got to end, I might end my friendship with two of my female friends. The other one was a former officemate with a Malaysian bank where we both work for risk management in their Philippine office. The recent one is my friend back in Palawan. Does unfollowing on instagram the end of friendship? I do not know, it’s too shallow I guess for a 40 something like me. I got to choose my battles. But I have to admit, I am affected. It’s as painful as, if not, more painful than loosing a man in my life again. I woke up this morning still thinking about loosing yet another friend. Then I was comforted, reminded that I just need to cherish and nourish the new found friendship that I have at church. Two of my life coaches still send me messages until now, checking on me and asking how I am doing. I also have communication with my discipleship leader, I thank God for her, she was the one who encouraged me to join the Glorious Hope recovery program. Until now this same lady never fail to remind me to attend worship services and discipleship meeting together with the other ladies. All I can do now with my two other secular friends is pray for them as I continue to learn my lessons well, as I continue with my journey to healing, recovery and restoration.
‘“You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor’s house or land, his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” ‘Deuteronomy 5:21
When I went to Palawan, I wished I had the life they had. Just a few steps to the sea. Simple life, simple environment, simple pleasure, simple joys. A breath of fresh thin air. Then I read this verse from Deuteronomy – do not covet, do not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor. The other side of me is wanting to stay in Palawan, the what ifs and what not. What if I remain, maybe I am already in a care of a husband right now. What if I worked in Palawan, perhaps I could have restored my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. The truth is I envy all the couples I see left and right. But part of me finds rest in being alone not just physically, but being alone with my own thoughts as well. Thank God for the reading of His Words, today I am told – I should live in the real world, not in fantasy, not in day dream, not in self deception. What is reality? my ex-boyfriend is now living in with another woman, he have several kids from different mothers. That my friend back in Palawan if given a choice between her friend like me and business, she will choose business and leave me alone in that place. Reality that I cannot change Kevin nor make Kevin love me, nor make him choose me. Reality that even if my other ex-boyfriend at Part Barton San Vicente Palawan kept on chasing me through his phone calls that I do not answer and messages that I do not reply – he is and will ever be bound to the wife of his youth and two young children. I will never, I may never understand, my perception may be wrong. But reality is telling me all out in the quietness of my inner soul, Palawan is just an escape for me, a place where I could find solitude, a place where I can meet my Maker, my Designer, my Creator. To meet Him not to twists His arm or make Him a genie to answer all my wishes. For Him to do what I want God to do. But to meet Him so I would know What God want me to do with this recovered and restored life. I could have ended my own life in death by suicide. I could have spent, squandered all the resources He gave me if I continue with my romance with red wines and online shopping. I could have just self destruct in pornography and masturbation… after that I cannot imagine where will I be led to? prostitution? never ending sexual addictions? But no, God found me… not because I chose God, God chose me – He first loved us. God sent those wonderful ladies at church to guide me to steps of healing and recovery. The thing is God is not done with me yet. God has a purpose, God has a plan – I should not forget… I am still a work in progress.
The commandment in Deuteronomy 5:21 is different from the others because it forbids not only certain actions but certain attitudes as well. It insists that we carefully guard our thoughts. As we continue in recovery, we must learn to keep our thoughts in order. We need to live in the real world, not in a world of fantasy or self-deception.Reflections on Deuteronomy, The Life Recovery Bible
So I watched the sunset again from my 36th floor window. I came across a documentary series called “The Kindness Diaries” on Netflix. The host named, Leon, along with his strong British accent tells his story and journey from Alaska to Argentina with no money, no reservations, no known friends or relatives. He just relied on random kindness of strangers for food and lodging. Along his journey, he blesses some people whom he feels needs it most, he blesses those who touched him in all unique and personal levels. Several people refused him but some people also at times give him money – but it’s one of his rules, he should not receive money – only kindness. When I was in Palawan, my anxiety disorders never left me. Since I am on a budget, despite the serene paradise in front of me, my mind never stopped running – will I get excess baggage? will I have enough budget for food? will the money be enough to pay the hotel? enough to pay the land transport? will I get to Puerto Princesa on time? will I die any moment? Surprisingly I have all these thoughts in my head, yet I continue to buy bead accessories from “Badjaos” and night markets, I kept on eating in themed restaurants and fancy lounges, beach front drinks and all sorts. I was even irritated every time my friend would nag me, “oh it’s expensive there!”. True enough I almost ran out of cash going through van from El Nido to Puerto Princesa, boarding a plane to Clark Pampanga international airport, riding a point to point premium bus to a mall at Quezon City here in Manila, then finally booking a grab share hailing cab to my condo. Gladly I have my fairy god mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles from Ilocos Norte (my mother’s side home province, north tip of the Philippines) who saved me and send my allowances until my next pay check. If I would do what Leon did, will I also survive? It’s high time for me to bless instead of seeking blessings, it’s high time for me to give than just taking, it’s high time for me to contribute rather than just consuming, it’s high time that I add value than just to exist, it’s high time that I thrive rather than just survive, it’s high time that I seek to understand than to be understood, it’s high time that I show kindness instead of seeking kindness (then get disappointed if I don’t), its high time I build up others in faith rather than waiting for others to pull me up, it’s high time that I finish what I started , focus on good works God has prepared in advance for me to do, to fulfil what I said I will do rather than expecting anything in return, taking, advancing. All by HIs Grace, only by His grace… I am fully convinced and I will continue, with likes or no likes on Facebook, even if my own friends unfollows me on Instagram, even without any views and reads on WordPress and Wattpad (I am still #1 #solotravel and #1 #midlife though praise God!)… even without any promotions at the bank where I work, without a fling or full pledged boyfriend (Lord please you know me I cannot be alone forever!) I will continue and keep moving forward, leaving what’s behind and leaning on what’s ahead. All by His Grace, only through His Grace.
‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. ‘Ephesians 2:8-10