How do I start all over again? How can I leave a life that I have so accustomed to. How do I lead my self to change? How do I leave my comfort zone?
In Deuteronomy 5:7-8 we are commanded to put God first in our lives. It is easy to let our priorities get out of balance. The important things are forgotten; the “urgent” things claim our attention, affection and resources. If we are to build our lives according to God’s specifications, then God has to be our highest priority. Anything that comes before God in our lives becomes a false god. We need to stay clear of anything that might come between us and God.Insights from the Ten Commandments, The Life Recovery Bible
“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. ”Luke 9:24 NIV Bible App
I went here in Palawan because of a flight ticket I bought hoping to see Kevin again. It was an impulsive compulsive behaviour rooting from my emotional dependency with Kevin. Deep inside, I want him back. Reality didn’t meet my expectations. Reality sets in, sinks in deeper, deeper and deeper – were not meant for each other. Kevin will never love me back. Even if I made the first move to communicate with Kevin, he was tasteless, not interested seeing me once more. Perhaps here I am again looking for love all in the wrong people and in the wrong places.
My friend whom I wanted to visit was so pre occupied also with businesses and money, her insatiable hunger for wealth and possessions. Although she took care of my cheap accommodation and transportation, her deep need to succeed after leaving her live in partner took a toll on her. I tried to understand why she left me alone just one day before my flight at El Nido without saying goodbye in person. But here I am again expecting, wanting, longing for attention. Speaking with her never ending talks about money and in getting rich – grabbing all the business opportunities in this island. I too began thinking of investing money with her. Will I buy a van? a fiber glass tourist boat? an ATV four wheel motorbike? my mind kept running non stop again… but wait, God gave me yet another sign. I remember that infamous bible verse, do not be equally yoke with an unbeliever, for what fellowship is the light with darkness. Now I realised it is true that it doesn’t only apply in choosing a husband or a life long partner, but in dealing businesses and investments as well. Values are the key, how can I do business and investments if we have different values. If what is important to her is not what is important to me? They value money, yes it is important but for me there is more important than money. But I should be able to relate nor judge anyone. I came from there, once and until now I struggle with idolatry of money and possessions… of that false sense of control and on top of everything. The truth is it’s the opposite, we’re all powerless and unmanageable without Christ.
Am I looking at the negative sides again, have I quickly forgot all the wonderful and beautiful things I’ve seen and experienced here in Palawan. I am now seated here waiting for boarding at pre departure area of Puerto Princesa Palawan international airport. The planes have started to arrive. The people began to gather as well. I have to tap my shoulder because for the first time. I arrived at the airport unhurried. I went inside smoothly except for those few beeps at the security points, I had to remove my earrings and iWatch. My flight is delayed, a low pressure area or weather disturbance have landed somewhere in central Luzon. The turn around air craft haven’t arrived due to bad weather condition from Clark Pampanga international airport. Yet again my flight was delayed by two hours.
I have spent a short evening with my exboyfriend and another tap on my shoulder for not going all the way this time. Initially all the chaos and greed with my friend’s group and her ex partners’ group was disappointing, if not for that, I could have spent more time with ex. But since there is a dispute amongst them, I had to meet my ex in secret and only once, it didn’t happen again. It’s easy to get sad because I am so used to this emotional and sexual codependency, for someone taking care of me, riding on his motorbike as they take me somewhere else. But hey, I prayed for all of these – on second thought, God had protected me from casual sex, premarital sex and lusts. Otherwise I could have gave in to yet another cycle of sexual indulgence and false hope for true love and affection. That kiss, that intense kiss was fleeting – it never satisfied, it will never fill and it will never be. But I am thankful my ex boyfriend answered when I asked, he loved me and I have hurt him for that.