I stayed in a rattan hammock, my feet pushes the cradle on a wooden floor. The wind is bidding me to sleep. But this morning I just brought my Life Recovery Bible to the beach front. No gadgets, no phones, no laptop, just The Book. The voice in my head is condemning me, after committing immoral act with my ex boyfriend last night on the beach of Marimegmeg, here I am carrying a thick bulky bible. The mercies of the Lord are new every morning. Before anything else, I should, I would have to forgive myself – over and over again. The presence of the Lord never disappoint. God met me where I am. While I sit under the shade of nipa hut with lush greens and trees, I stare at the blue mountain range of the vast sea green horizon, crystal silver lines of waves – the cloud started to gather and it began to rain. It rained by noon time and the sky became cloudy until afternoon. A storm passed by at the north part of the Philippines, Palawan is on the west tip.
“…the Lord our God said to us, ‘You have stayed at this mountain long enough.
It is time to break camp and move on…”
– Deuteronomy 1:6-7aBible App
I began to struggle once more with lust and sex. But just as I have come to the Lord this morning, I am not coming as my self, with all my weakness and frailty nor with my own strength or merit. I come by The Blood of Jesus, Who paid for my sins. That God is made perfect in my weaknesses. I have long acknowledged that I am powerless to my own weaknesses and addictions, I may be used to this coping mechanism, escape – escape to Palawan Islands, escape to whirlwind affairs, escape to relationships. Just as I escape the chaos at home when I was young, until now I kept running away. But this time I have to face and own up to my actions. To learn from my past and move on. It is easy to go back to the lifestyle of casual and premarital sex, why not? Everybody’s doing it. But where is freedom in being mastered by my own sinful and self destructive lust and desires. It is not freedom but slavery to sin and death. I found refuge in His Words, if I choose to continue my journey with recovery, then I should go back to the process, submit to the process and stay in the process. That is to be careful, be very careful, watchful with what I feed not only to my physical body, but with my mind and spirit as well. I can’t imagine my self to continue with the habit of watching porn on this laptop everyday. As opposed to reading my bulky thick bible every time, every where . Like now I am in one of the famous restaurants in El Nido, The Art Cafe. The restaurant crew were asking me what’s with the thick book, they opened it and were surprised it was a bible!
“You have stayed at this mountain long enough.” In every life there are moments when it is essential to move on. Times come when action is necessary. When we stay too long at one place, we stagnate. In rebuilding a life, we must be careful to advance according to God’s schedule – neither lagging behind nor running ahead.– The Life Recovery Bible
In this hard and tempting journey to new life, new way of life, new pattern, new lifestyle – the only reliable companion and stronghold I have is the Word of God. On one hand I have to make things simpler, not complicated. I have stayed too long in depression and self pity, in victim mentality. It’s time that I search for God’s will in my life, that God’s will may not necessarily mean a married life. But seeking His will doesn’t mean I have to lay on waiting and doing nothing all my life, I have to act and keep on trying, even expect to fail until I come to know what works, where I would excel and use the gifts God has given me – as long as it pleases the Lord. I don’t think staying in a fling with an ex boyfriend with live in wife and kid will glorify the Lord.
So friends? we both asked each other. I want to go back to school and study, I told him. What will you study, he said grinning, sex positions? It may be his attempt for humour or as they say jokes are half meant. But how would I submit to this man who doesn’t even know what I really wanted in life? How will I submit to a man who cannot bring me to spiritual growth and purity? Perhaps I had been here long enough, been there, done that… not lagging, not in advance… I really have to be carrying forward.
I went to Bacuit bay, the sunset remains magnificent despite the gloomy weather.
I walked along the beach and these were the little girls playing before it gets dark in the night.