Same Kiss

Do you still know me?

He asked while carrying a big box of the things they have used from the boat tour today. It’s the ex boyfriend trying to get my attention as I sat down and watched the sunsets today. I couldn’t hardly notice him, it has been a long time. I was still speaking to the “Badjao” pearl and beads vendor when he approached us. He asked what hotel I am staying. I told you to send me a chat message if you are coming, he told me. Soon after I was communicating with him to go out tonight, right after my dinner with my friends as they are cooking “Laksa” and sweet crispy “dilis” or anchovies.

Why did I go with him again? First, I want to escape from my friend, I’m beginning to feel tired of all the money and business talks – listening to her stories of people behind their backs, all the complaining and the whining. She’s not having enough sleep, not taking a bath nor wear a bra going out. I am afraid she is trying to be strong but I see all the loose strings… she’s not keeping it all together. Although my introvert self can be patient listening to her and other people. I can get weary too, if not influenced, brain washed or manipulated. I heard her side of the story, so when I went out with my ex, I heard the other side of the story as well. My ex boyfriend works for the ex boyfriend of my friend. They both have travel and tours booking office.

We went to Las Cabanas, where we also had our first date before. I rode his motorbike and soon I was hugging him again behind his back. “Kamusta ka na?” (how are you now?) he asked.

Soon enough he started to kiss me, I tried to resist but I gave in eventually. His kiss was the same as before. Intense, penetrating, tight, I couldn’t hardly breath. But in my mind I was cautious whether soldiers are around, whether Kevin would get to know what I am doing at that very moment. Or is it, I wish Kevin would hold and kiss me like that. When I got back to my hotel room, shouldn’t I be more conscious of God knowing what I do in secret rather than my ex boyfriend to ex boyfriend and all the boys in my life?

Closure, I needed closure. You already have a wife and kids, I told him. I came here to see you and ask if you have loved me. Why have you not fulfilled your promise to bring me to the airport at Puerto Princesa? Why have you send those hurtful words on text messages? He said, I was so down at that time. Yes he said he loved me. Lastly I asked, have I hurt you? I couldn’t bear his reaction, “sobrang sakit” (it was too painful).

I won’t be going with you again, you already have a family of your own. Please take care of your self. We hugged too many times. That was good bye…. the closure I needed. The peace of mind to be able to say sorry. We may not be meant for each other in the end, but I know this is the start of a civil friendship. I am content to hear he loved me, that it validates what I already know, he said those painful words before because as he said “sobrang sakit”, it was too painful when I left.

Indeed sunsets remind us that endings can be beautiful too.

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