Life in Recovery

I am tempted to approach my ex boyfriend. I told my friend, I think I saw him staring at me as I set up my yoga mat and towel in front of Corong Corong Beach. Yeah stay civil, my friend said. But for me it’s more than that, I got used to this sin that I no longer have an idea what it’s like without the companion or care of a man in my beach travels. Not having someone who will drive the motorbike for me to go to other parts of Palawan, like Nacpan and Duli beaches.

I have gone past that, I knew how miserable it was to be outside of God’s arch of protection – I do not have the strength nor the will, but knowing what I have been thru all those years of wandering and longing. There’s no other safe place on earth but to remain in the presence of God. The thing is God is Holy, sin is sin – if I live and continue to live in sin, live according to my sinful ways and desires, it is plain and simple, black and white. If God is not the God whom I worship and serve, who and what do I worship and serve?

This is Bacuit bay, few minutes tricycle ride from where I stay in Corong Corong bay within El Nido. El Nido is one of the municipalities of the Palawan province. I went out yesterday with my friends who now manages their travel and tours booking office. We went to the tourist boat they have recently acquired.

“I didn’t know your ex boyfriend here in El Nido was well off” my friend said. I told her, “well I am not looking for a better life or to get hooked with a rich guy” – so to speak. “I am just saying…” she said. We just woke up as she stayed overnight with me in the dorm room since my room mate went home yesterday. “Maybe I will smile at him if ever I catch him staring at me, I feel awkward though.” We talked as we arranged our pillows back to each beds marked as “reserved”. Since it is low season, I am the only one sleeping in a six bed female dorm. Then she told me, “well yeah, I don’t look at my ex in the eye, we come across each other but we don’t look in the eye… so how did it end?” I told my friend, “There was no closure, I just ended the communication, I didn’t replied anymore to all the abusive and aggressive words he was sending me and then that’s it… except for his seldom hi and hellos…”

“God delivered Israel for a specific purpose. He forged Israel into a nation to His chosen possession, and through this special nation God brought salvation to the whole world. Why has God delivered us? God’s purpose for each of us is quite specific. We need to ask these questions: What does God want from us? Why did God save us? He may intend to use us to bring his saving grace into the lives of others who suffer from problems similar to ours.

– Reflections on Deuteronomy, The Life Recovery Bible

This trip is a spiritual decision, as every financial decision is a spiritual decision. My money to fund this trip is not my money in the first place. Everything I have, everything I own, all that is within me – God is the owner, not me. I am just a manager, a steward. The other day I saw the thanksgiving program held at Christ’s Commission Fellowship, along with the other ladies that I have interacted with for the past five months in the Glorious Hope program. These ladies became my new found friends and sisters in Christ. I missed the celebration but I have to acknowledge for my own self also that I really needed this vacation, a time alone not only with myself, not just only with my friends but to meet the Lord. It’s all between me and God.

When I heard from my friend that my ex boyfriend was rich, I felt a pinch of regret to be honest. But I also know my friend well, she’s a hardworking strong willed woman who left her live in partner of five years to pursue her own business and join her new found investor. I was a bit stressed out hearing her about, tours, guests, businesses, who owns what – owner of this and that, all day long… can you imagine? in the table when we eat, when I go to her booking office and even when she stayed with me last night in the dormitory room. Never ending talk about money, money and money – profit for more and more, greed and disappointments. I don’t want to complain but I also have to see this golden moment to just listen to this friend of mine. When I had the chance, I spoke to her about what matters most. That life is not about here and now.

You know what, I told her, when I struggled whether to push for this trip or not, I went to my salon fairy god mother named Normie. She told me about the story of an ant. There was an ant, while she was spreading the warm honey wax on one of my armpits. The ant found a big piece of bread. The ant carried this big bread back to home but the hole is just enough only for the ant to get in. It’s the same thing with life, we cannot carry everything when we die. So go, go to Palawan and have a vacation, it’s not always work and work. Whatever we build, whatever we acquire here on earth, houses that we build, branded clothings, big toys for the big boys and girls… all means all, everything will be left behind when we die. I said, yes my salon fairy god mother Normie, I will not waste my promo two way Air Asia plane ticket – I will go to Palawan.

“The Israelites were about to end 40 difficult years of wilderness wandering. They were starting new lives and building a new nation. But when things start going well in life, it is easy to forget the help God has given us. In Deuteronomy 6:10-13 Moses gave the Israelites a special warning. He told them to give God the respect and obedience He deserved. This was foundational for them in their efforts to continue rebuilding. As we begin to make progress in recovery, it is easy that it is only by God’s grace that we have come this far. We need to realise that without God’s help, we will quickly regress. Continued respect for and obedience to God are necessary for our progress in recovery.”

– Reflections on Deuteronomy, The Life Recovery Bible

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