Did you really jumped off the ferry?

Memories of teen age love lingers. Denton Vincent was a childhood sweetheart, we’re both the same age, we were born on the same day and year… yeah we have the same birthday. Denton took civil engineering, while I took accounting when we were in college. He joined “The Church of the Later Day Saint”, I became a born again Christian. Denton was deeply involved in his church – even to the point of going on a two year mission trip to Cebu (central part of the Philippines). Eventually he became a civil engineer and started to get involved in their church constructions. He went back to Cebu to build another church project. He never came back, he went missing and until now he was no where to be found. His family, all our neighbors and I were devastated to this day. Some said he jumped off the ferry, as he was last seen boarding the vessel in the islands of Cebu. They say he was murdered by one of the laborers who were stealing materials from the building construction project. All I had was second or third hand news. We are all mourning for the dead but we did not have the chance to pay our last respect, that is, if Denton indeed died when he went on missing.

I walked from this bridge alone.

At first I was a bit afraid, it’s rainy low season now here in Palawan. Only few tourists flock around months of July to September. The scene was lonesome but eery, I sat in one of the concrete bench. I became seasick looking down at the waves. I stood a few steps back from the wooden railings. Then it began to get cold. Then darker. But still I chose to remain and have my own moment to look beyond the cliffs, beyond the still waters. The silhouette by nature was a perfect work of art. A yacht is tied on to one of the post, as the big wave bangs, the dock began to shake. That’s when I felt, ok now I have to leave and look for somewhere else to stay while waiting for the last free shuttle service going back to town.

This is Lio Estate, few minute drive from El Nido Town proper. It’s my friend who told me there’s a free shuttle from El Nido town going to this place. It has it’s own airport and dock like this one. The first time I went here few years back, it was still being built with huge ships transporting materials for the constructions.

This time I went to the edge, towards the end of this bridge. I came alone, walked alone. I still think of Denton Vincent but I was still also yearning for Kevin. Later on I came to realise they were look alike, particularly when I saw their pictures. When I met Kevin, I was on my downward spiral from all the wrong relationships I’ve been through. I told my self, maybe God is trying to catch my attention that, hey – I can introduce you to a better man, someone like Kevin, who is someone like Denton.

Am I normal? I asked myself. Why is it I am more at peace being alone? Isn’t it every woman’s dream to be with someone? Just like the other women I have seen. Upon boarding the plane, yup I got the window seat. A three seat row, seated beside a lovely couple. When I took the van from Puerto Princesa airport for a five hour land trip going to El Nido, I was seated again beside the window. Beside me is another very young couple, in front of me, driver’s seat that is, a much younger couple. I really don’t have the answer why I am alone in my travels, when I go to bed at the end of the day – I have no one to cuddle with, when I eat out with an empty chair across the table and when I am seated the waiters starts to remove the plate and utensils while they ask “Ma’am isa lang po?” (are you only one?). That nagging questions every time I travel in and out of the Philippines. – Ma’am are you alone? do you have any companion? How come you do not have a husband?

I think I saw my other ex boyfriend this morning when I went out for my yoga and breakfast. Still, I am tempted to approach him or them, even Kevin. I will search for Kevin’s name on messenger and look at the blinking cursor of the message field, waiting for me to strike a key to say Hi Hubby. Enough I said, I should cherish my freedom. If I could just know my purpose why I am gifted with a single life – well for now, I write, just write. I read, I devoured on the Words of God in the bible during my quiet times. Today I was able to finish the book of Deuteronomy. Where I read the story of Moses reciting the Words of the Lord to Israel as they enter the promised land. But God took Moses home, he wasn’t able to cross Jordan and reached the promised land. Reading them encouraged me to continue in my journey towards recovery. Yes I can have a glimpse of the memories of the past, but they should be an inspiration not a stumbling block nor an excuse for me to go back to my addictions and codependencies. I may not understand why. Why people come and why people go. Why we live on borrowed time with people whom we see now or will not be able to see any longer in this lifetime. I may not have all the answers but I can trust the God, Who, by His Words all the earth were created and on the seventh day He rested. He was pleased with His creation and on the seventh day God rested. This is my seventh day, my Sabbath day, I am not doing any work but maybe God wants me to do one more thing just like what He did on the day of creation – to be pleased with my own second creation. God created work, my secular work is the second creation. This is maybe the reason why I am alone… to accomplish the good works God has prepared in advance for me to do.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:8-10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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