Hubby I am here at El Nido Palawan…
I really really… really, desperately wanted to say that to Kevin. How I wish I could.
Free to Choose
We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God.
Everyone has a life-or-death decision to make. We have all been created with the supreme privilege of free will – the ability to choose. Even when we are in the bondage of addictions, we still have choices confronting us. When we are in recovery, we face the nagging lure of falling back into our addictions. The freedom to choose brings with it the burden of the consequences of our choices. These choices affect our lives and the lives of our children. Free will is our blessing and our responsibility!12 Step Devotional, The Life Recovery Bible
I am back here at my favourite part of the world. Palawan Islands. Here are the first photos of my beach buming and as soon as I arrived. After months and weeks of long preparation into that big event at the office. I finally got the holiday I am longing and praying. But before I got here, it was a dilemma. Aside from shortage of funds – this Friday is the thanksgiving celebration at the Glorious Hope recovery program. It was a struggle because finally, I was able to finish something – a five months program. Not only that, we were encourage to invite our family or those that we could invite for the program run next year. A chance for me to bring my youngest sister and adopted daughter, our shared daughter so to speak. But on one hand I have a much needed alone time. The five month program of crying and telling all the other women about my life is pretty exhaustive. The five month journey with the ladies and sharing of each others’ story drained my energy. I need a “me” time to recharge and regenerate.
I arrived last night with the onset of asthma attack. This morning, thanks to the hotel guard wake up call or should I say wake up knock. I had my wonderful yoga prayer in front of the beach. This is Corong Corong Bay, one of the tourist spots between Marimegmeg Beach or Las Cabanas and few minutes before you reach the El Nido town or Bacuit Bay.
I fell asleep under this Lemoncito or “Kalamansi” Tree from nature’s fan or natural AC. The soft breeze damps on my face and touched my hair as it cradles me to my siesta or afternoon nap. I woke up from the hammers of the workers replacing the “Nipa” roof of one of the hotel rooms just behind my lounge chair. I couldn’t get back to sleep again because yeah, you guess it right, I am hungry.
But before I had my siesta, I had my early morning breakfast right after yoga. Here I saw the coast guard set up their table to release clearances for those who are going on Island Hopping tours for the day.
I also saw the boat men and crew who were round and about just to make all those tours perfectly run today.
I am glad I did. My mind found rest as the dry leaves falls from the tree, it landed on to the ground, rolls through the sand as the wind sweeps them away. The ocean shimmers like diamonds and sparkles under the noon day sun. I cant’t wait till the sun sets.
You can be a writer of a book, Kevin said when I messaged him about self transcendence. Yes I want to become an author of a book someday. For sure I will get the first copy, Kevin added. Of course, I responded. Yes Kevin is one of the reasons why I write… why I write with all my heart.
Kevin may not be by my side right now. I couldn’t have breakfast with him in front of the beautiful beach in one of those beautiful mornings. I wish I could make him his cup of coffee like I used to. When Kevin refused to respond to my messages any longer. When I lost the communication we had before. Part of me died that day. But it doesn’t mean I have to remain broken. I don’t understand, I was confused and lost. Soon I found my self searching for meaning, purpose of all the hurt and the pain. I know Kevin wants me to become the best person I could ever be. If Kevin sees me now, I know he doesn’t want to see me drift away and waste my life to someone and something I cannot change and have no control of. That life is simple and I do not have to complicate things. I know he wants me to pursue my dreams even if that means I have to take it from here alone.
So I went back to my quiet time. At long last after those busy months and weeks. I picked up from where I left with my one year Bible reading plan. I may not be in the companion of the man I have loved even for the shortest time. But I have the Words of my Maker, my Designer, the One Who knows my sitting down and my rising up. The One Who understands my thoughts from afar. Everything will past away but His Words remain. False idols will not deliver my expectations. If relationships are my idol, I won’t even be fully satisfied and filled. If boyfriend and a husband is my idol, I won’t have the true joy from the love the way I ever wanted. Why? Because only God can love an imperfect person like you and me. Only God with all His unconditional love can ever pursue a deceitful heart like ours.
““This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you, and it is not beyond your reach. It is not kept in heaven, so distant that you must ask, ‘Who will go up to heaven and bring it down so we can hear it and obey?’ It is not kept beyond the sea, so far away that you must ask, ‘Who will cross the sea to bring it to us so we can hear it and obey?’ No, the message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it.”
Deuteronomy 30:11-14 NLT
And oh by the way… here’s the sunsets.