Having experienced our Lord Jesus Christ through these steps, we practiced all these principles in all our affairs and carried His message.”
– Step 12 Lesson 17 Participant’s Workbook Glorious Hope Recovery is for everybody
I saw a candle lit on Kevin’s facebook profile picture. Still in search I asked. One soldier died? A close relative? Did Kevin died?
In my attendance to our last lesson on recovery at the Glorious Hope program. I faced the reality once more of the very reason why I spent hours and days on Facebook. I still expect for Kevin to look for me. I search for Kevin and Facebook is the only tool I have in my hand. Am I sick in the head? Am I sick in the heart?
This is reality, I worry he changed it because his other women will see it and the comments I have on it. The big deal for me for Kevin to change his facebook profile picture is because we have the same one, taken from the same place at Irawan San Vicente Palawan. In different angles, I was facing the sun going down on that side of the hill and ocean view. While the sunset and ocean was his back draft. Now you know that for women FB profile pictures is a matter of life and death. For us it has profound meaning, yes, facebook profile it is.
My main issue is not my obsessive compulsive behaviors and addictions. My greatest need is my spiritual poverty.
I heard Pastor Peter said, if mankind’s greatest need is prosperity and wealth, God did not send an economist. If mankind’s need is healing, God did not send a doctor. God sent His only Son Jesus Christ – because mankind’s greatest need is redemption from sin and death.
If I have surrendered whatever I have with Kevin to the Lord. Trusted Him that He will see me through. Why can’t I trust God for the small steps of getting rid of not important and not urgent things in my life like Facebook and other social media? Why can’t I trust God for small decisions I make on a daily basis?
I am still thinking on going back to Internal Audit, why? Because it’s an introvert focused work that involves writing an opinion. But I do not have to wait for the perfect time for me to start my journey to achieve my dream of becoming a Writer – Photographer. So I began looking for cheap second hand books from my favorite thrift stores called “Book Sale”. I got Barron’s painless English and Grammar. I also got a couple from Teach Yourself (copyright) Get Started in Creative Writing and The Secrets to Writing Great Comedy. That’s all right after I miraculously bought Purpose Driven Celebrate Recovery Bible. In addition to it, I am also working on The Book of Life Recovery by Asterburn and Stoop. Along side with my online courses for which I have started with Storytelling for Change from the University of Michigan using EdEx app.
You cannot sail a boat by staying on the shore, the boat has to move to deeper waters and allow the wind to take the course. With all the likes I got from the pictures I posted on FB and IG. The number one highest most impressive ranking for solo travel and midlife tags on Wattpad. Not bad? I said once. Impressive, how I perform on social media and so called outside world, but is it important? Is that all that matters? So maybe instead of stalking Kevin on search button of FB, IG and Google search engines. Interpreting, looking for explanations why Kevin changed his pictures which I will never come to terms with my imbalanced hormones. I have to set the sail to my lifelong journey ahead. I have to choose to polish the talent and all that He has given to take care of. Naked I was brought to this world, naked I will return to my Maker. I own nothing in this world, not even my stable job at the bank, not because I am a member of a church nor part of group of Godly ladies. My identity is not my position and possessions, I have believed that lie for the longest time. But my prayer, if anyone could and would read this story. If in my own little way I can spark in the youth of this day and age the inspiration for literatures and art. I asked Jesus to cover us with His protection, to give us a clear eye to understanding and conscience of what’s right and wrong in His eyes. To grant us the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot change Kevin or expect Kevin to change. I cannot make Kevin to love me, to seek for me, nor can I depend on him for care and provision. My failures, career and relationship failures are not death sentences but my life lessons. My past failures do not determine who I am. My sufficiency is in Christ, my survival is in Him and I know I will thrive.
The longest and biggest beach I ever seen. No, not one, not a single boat across the vast span of blue and white. Bidding me to leave the shore, it’s time to get up for I am not called to be a bum after all. So from then on I wrote, I wrote with all my heart and pour out up to the last tear, to the letters and spirit. Yes from then on I decided to write until my last breath.