I am saddened by the news of two deaths last week. First the wife of my brother’s childhood friend and our neighbor growing up. Second was death by suicide by a Pastor. He was not just a Pastor, but an advocate of mental health.
Before the week ends, I have attended the wedding of one of my Life Coaches. With no money on my pocket even for public commute, runny stuffy nose from asthma allergies, I sneezed and sniffed through my way to our LC’s wedding. The wedding was officiated by one of the CCF Pastors, where he said – in marriage there are two most important, first is marriage should be enjoyable. Second, marriage should be exemplary. That marriage should be enjoyed and should serve as a good example for others to follow. Then the Pastor all of a sudden questioned, what if you wake up one day and found that you are no longer in love with the person you married. What will you do now?
Marriage is a commitment of Love, not feelings of Love. They say don’t look for Mister Right, instead be Miss Right. So by the time Mister Right comes along, Mister Right will find me to be Miss Right. This resonated to me now as a single or maybe I have the gift of single blessedness (oh God please no!!!!!!). God is not only the Creator but God is also aware of everything about the creation, yes God knows everything that happens and what He allows to happen to the creation.
Yesterday I have made my confession once more to the group of ladies at the Glorious Hope therapy session. Social media have eaten up most of my time. I really don’t have quality time with my daughter who’s the only family I have now in one roof. As I hear my self of all the realizations, I told them that it is indeed important to follow a routine, not just routine but discipline – something I will do by taking ownership and action even no one is seeing or telling me to do it. Not just discipline but Godly discipline, the discipline to obey God and not be mastered by my own emotions and wandering. Purpose will not necessarily change our destination but definitely purpose will give us new direction. No one graduates from the recovery program, the teacher said loudly on microphone. This is a lifelong journey.
Funny how you start to live by dying first. The death of two brethren was devastating, one mother who gave birth to a six month old baby. The baby also died in the incubator a day before the mother is buried. The Pastor who serves as anthem of hope for bi polar people like me took his own life, everyone now questions with all the social media wars – will he be in heaven? That bi polar condition is now taken as a choice rather than a medical condition.
Hey! One old American fellow greeted me one morning during my month long stay at the Deep Moon Resorts Port Barton Palawan. I am hungry I told him. Then he gave me direction to a pizza house few blocks from the hotel. When I stepped out I saw muddy and slippery road… rustic. Nostalgia. Seems that I was taken back to the Japanese occupation era of 1940s.
My desire to control do not come from my strength but from my weakness. He kissed me that day not long before we met just few hours ago. He asked for my number, but when I got the chance to run, I ran away and went back to my hotel room… I ran in fear and confusion away from this rugged “nipa” house. No not another man ten years younger. No not another fourth round of insanity.
That was the start of my downward spiral. But in my desperation… I know God was there, witnessing how I chose to compromise for temporary fill to an eternal longing for intimacy. How I chose to make my own way of temporary fix to my deep spiritual poverty. When I ran away, I ran away from the rugged cross… but in my wandering God sought for me, pursued me, just like a sheep. Jesus left the hundreds just to look for me. God found me, brought me back, covered my nakedness, cleansed, washed and made whole. To die daily to my own ways and understanding. To take up my cross daily and follow Him. He gave me purpose, to enjoy and live an exemplary life. Yes that is God will do and continue to do with this recovered life. My lifelong journey.