I am sorry my Ausie boss… chicken nuggets is more important than you.
I wonder how am I going to say this to one of my business heads. I just had my wonderful yoga prayer and quiet time now. But I have to save time by instead of traveling to another city just to meet him at our other building. I have to stay at the nearby office and meet him on video conference call. Why? Because my daughter wants chicken nuggets for breakfast.
I have to drop by the grocery store before taking a shuttle ride from the train station going to the hub where I work. Before I went down for my morning routine at the pool side, I have received an automated text message from the catholic school. My daughter arrived at 7:30am. Her classes starts at seven. I do not know if I should add this to my worries thinking she’s not in good shape in terms of punctuality. But hey I should be grateful she arrived safe at school.
Instead of worry, I want to pray which I just did as I put my hands together and press my thumb on to my chest. As I breath through stretched out hands – I cry to the Lord… have mercy on us Father.
I have to do my part. I have to wake up early and prepare her breakfast. Since I have chose my daughter as my top most priority (that is, even more important over work and other relationships). I have to go to the supermarket today and get those chicken nuggets.
Wow lots of milk! She said when she arrived from school last night, coming from her mother’s house over the weekend, she went to check what’s inside the refrigerator. My heart smiled a bit – I wasn’t a bad mother after all.
I cannot change people, I cannot change my niece – my adopted daughter. I cannot change her to behave the way I want to. I cannot change situtations either. When I saw a piece of tissue paper on top of our drawer. I thought it was only a smear of her lip tint. It was blood stain. She have this condition of nose bleeding from time to time. I said to my self, what else am I neglecting? My daughter is not mine. The Lord owns her just as the Lord owns you and me. My anxiety disorder tendency is to think of getting life plans for each of my daughter and myself. That wasn’t a smart financial plan to be honest. It draws from my worry of me leaving her or her leaving me. Yes it is wise to get a memorial plan, pension plan, education plan and what ever plan there is. But where does all of these came from? I feared death.
As a result of admitting our powerlessness in Principle One, we can move from chaos to hope in Principle Two. Hope enters the picture when we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves, our Higher Power, Jesus Christ, can and will restore us. Christ alone can provide the needed power over our addictions and compulsive behaviors. He alone can restore order and meaning to our lives. He alone can restore us to sanity. In this context we finally begin to understand Philippians 2:13
– Sanity, Daily Devotional Day 4 Celebrate Recovery Bible
I have always listened to Pastor Peter as my earthly father. You see I have never got a close relationship with my father, maybe because he is hiding his first family from us or afraid to tell the truth that we are his illegitimate children. But no, in all of his care and provision, I know my parents wanted to protect our feelings. “We want you to finish college, that’s why we didn’t told you the truth because you might rebel and leave your education”. That’s what my mother said. Now Pastor Peter said, do not underestimate the power of small habits, every small decision is a faith decision. I know getting the chicken nuggets is mundane compared to meeting one of the senior vice presidents of the bank. But my daughter means the world to me and I have to put everything into balance.
Today I realized that more than my self restoration. I have to restore my mother – daughter relationship with my adopted niece. I want to be home at night instead of her sending me messages on messenger app asking, ”what time ka uuwi Tita?” (What time will you come home Aunty?). That I do not need to shatter into pieces telling her I will be home before midnight only to arrive three early morning of the following day. Staring at her angelic pretty face in bed tucked alone in her pillows and comforter. Do I have to do this every day? For the rest of my life? It would be insane.
I want to pay all my debts this year, so I can be free to spend my money bringing her and her friends to youth church. But above all, just spend quality time to disciple her, to teach her the bible, to guide her to list down the things we are thankful for, to ask her prayer requests, or just keep quiet and listen to what she will say… open, free, no conditions.
Most of us tend to think that we have a lot of control over our lives. But the reality is that what we truly have control over is a pretty short list. Take just a moment to think about it—the only things we can control are our choices and our reactions. In so many ways we are powerless, but we do have the ability to make course corrections in our choices and reactions along the way. We need to ask ourselves these probing questions:
• Do I see myself heading down a road that won’t end well for me?
• Am I tempted to do something I know is wrong?
• Have I seen myself react in an inappropriate way?
• Am I aware of certain relationships that aren’t good for me?
• Am I involved in a situation that I know could lead to disaster?
I see myself heading down if I do not shape up with the way I manage my time, it will not only affect me but those closest to me as well like my daughter. I have to be responsible and be a better steward not only of time but my talents and treasures as well. If I do not refine my craft in writing where would I be months and years from now? If I do not save some funds for emergency and retirement, who will I depend to? I will not be strong and healthy all the time. I have no husband to depend on, I do not want to depend on my daughter either when I grow old. I want her to become the doctor she ever dreamed of and the wife to a loving husband.
I am still tempted to approach Kevin, to look for him, to come to him and make my own way to see him again. I am not sure if this is wrong. But I know it is right to move on and leave the past behind. I am aware of relationships that aren’t good for me but my weakness and sinful nature still wants to go back. I have compromised my faith even when I know I will only put myself in situations towards disaster. Will I choose to become a mistress just like my mother?
I have reacted inappropriately or should I say overreacted to my niece coming home late at night, about her lesbian relationships, all her lying. As her guardian but first of all as her mother, I want to love her without conditions just as Christ loved me without limits.
It’s true that we don’t have much control over our lives. It’s better just to acknowledge that. But we do have the power to correct our course and change the situation we’re in. We have the power to call someone for support, pray over the situation, make adjustments when necessary. When we hear ourselves say, “I don’t have a choice,” we should think twice. We always have a choice. We may not make the right one or react the right way every time, but we have the ability, with God’s power, to change things in our lives.
As I wander through the beautiful Islands of Palawan, in my confusion, blindness, foolishness and loss – I never thought that I have left a beautiful young soul back home – my daughter. I forgot my responsibility as a mother to a daughter. All because I was too self centered and selfish to focus on my own hurt and pain. I exerted every effort to fill the void but to no avail. While I divulge in temporary pleasure and quick fixes, I have neglected my daughter in abandon. Who am I to question her why she have resorted to same female girlfriend for love, time and attention? All of these happened along with my worsening health conditions – infections, abnormal uterine bleeding, asthma allergies, sugar level spikes and lately now numbness of my extremities…. But I cry each time in my shower room, I claim the healing not because of who I am, not looking at what I did or what I have done. I claim healing in Jesus Name who died on the cross for me, who loved me and gave up His life for me. Perhaps the healing I need now is not just physical, not only mental and emotional. I have to admit I am spiritually sick. All the self centered lifestyle and immoral sexual relationships has left deep wounds not only to me but to those who are closest to me, those who really matters most, those who I go back to at the end of each day, those who accepts me no matter what.