Embracing New Hope

I started my online course with app called EdX, where I enrolled to the short course titled “Storytelling for Social Change”. I fell asleep even before the second professor finished her lectures. Someone said that I can only know I understand if am able to tell the learnings in my own words.

“gagawin mo narin lang ipanalo mo na.” (If you are going to do it anyway, win it! Do it hundred percent). If you go to the office for example, don’t be late. Since you are going to the office anyway then come in early. Win it!

Pastor Bong Saquing, one of the Pastors of Christ’s Commission Fellowship

Will I sleep again on my online courses? I don’t think it would be a good idea, I will be just fooling myself if I do that on a regular basis. Besides I am now working on replacing my old bad habits. This is for my own benefit in the first place. My sanity, my complete recovery.

“Change is not easy but it is not impossible. Lies are replaced by God’s truth. God’s timetable is totally different from our own timetable.” One sharer said in her soft motherly voice during the Glorious Hope “team teach” airtime.

I committed to be more kind to my own self. To somehow stop all the negative and pushy self talks. Yesterday I lost once more in my private battles to masturbation and pornography. Insanity it is, I went to the cycle again of crying after and feeling awful about my self. But I thank God for inspiring me to go out of bed and went down to do my yoga prayer at the pool side. After days of rain, God granted a fair weather, I felt the gentle wind and warmth once more. I saw again the vast expanse of blue and how the mountains touch the sky from afar. As I raised my hand to the heavens. I called to God… have mercy on me, a sinner. God are you there?

Reminds me of familiar places.

Long Beach, San Vicente Palawan Philippines


Breathe… Andre said.


In 2014, The Yoga Prayer became a labor of love by André McLendon, a fitness instructor in Jacksonville, Florida. The yoga prayer was developed to help Christians who practice yoga as exercise.

theyogaprayer.com

I have to forgive my self first before I can receive the forgiveness of the Lord. I have to be careful in keeping much to the expectation that I should be perfectly ok because I am about to finish the Glorious Hope recovery program. I should not forget that recovery is a process, not a destination, not an end state. That I should be committed to the process and leave the results to God… in faith and action.

I shared this to the group:

My significant event is having immoral relationships and sinful lifestyle at Palawan.

With my past. Relational. I felt paranoid because I always think they have played with my feelings. Took advantage of me financially and sexually. I was fooled by lies. I was expected to loose weight, raise more money and accept whatever they throw at me. I thought they only stayed because I persuaded them with material gifts. But they say I am malambing (tender) and kind. I would like to believe it’s true.

Emotional. I cannot bare the guilt. Stealing their youth and the chance to have a young wife, children and family of their own. Children and family I cannot give.

Volitional. I was angry! I was frustrated! I continue to self destruct in masturbation and pornography.

At present, I realized I cannot blame anyone for what happened. I am powerless and that I needed the Higher Power of Jesus Christ. That my life have become unmanageable. However the small group of the Glorious Hope recovery program provided a safe environment for me to be who I am and confess everything without the fear of being judged and misunderstood.

The whole purpose of recovery is to go back to God’s original design.

Designed.

Customized.

Unique.

Purpose.

With my pursuit of the standards of my parents, siblings and other relatives. The expectation to be the perfect eldest daughter and grand daughter. That my younger siblings and cousins look up to me. Being the first child to finish college and went to become a full pledge banker. The great responsibility and expectations from the first born. The power to be the head and bread winner of the family. Great power comes great responsibility. I failed. I failed big time.

In spite of all the glamour of my facebook and instagram, no body knows how I contemplated on suicide. It was an empty, pointless life. But now I wake up, I get up from every stumble and fall. With the hope that each day is another day of second, third, and more and more chances. To live one day at a time with the grace just allotted for that day. For tomorrow and the days after tomorrow will have sufficient troubles of its own, but more than that the grace sufficient for its own. The chance to go back to how God designed me. Why I am fragile? Why I am sensitive? To divert this longing, passion and energy to writing.

The EdX storytelling course for social change is about the art of saying things with a purpose. I maybe too sleepy listening to the lectures but I remember the thought that telling a story is powerful because people can relate to it. Story telling can be true or not true, but since it is a powerful instrument to influence and inspire people. There is always that small aspect of truth in each and every story being told. It’s called empathy.

As I was sharing to the group of ladies today. When I joined Wattpad, no offense, but I saw all the books that are all about casual sex, idolatry and homosexuality. There was even categories of LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender), Fan-fiction, werewolf and witchcraft. That even in the office, the LGBT community have become more and more assertive and visible. Where is the voice of a woman and follower of Christ like me?

Now everything makes sense. All the heartaches even the wastes are now being used by God in my life to comfort others. But before I can comfort others, I must first receive comfort from the God of all consolation. I have to forgive my self first before I can receive forgiveness and forgive others.

In my unending chase, I forgot who I was and who I am. My strengths, my gifts, my talents. With my unending search for approval, I got used to burying my own happiness from the wrong view of self sacrifice. I lived the dream of my parents that I forgot the way to my own dreams, my own happiness.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:15‬ ‭

If I indeed write for social change. Then change should start with me.

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