Hope

What do you wake up to every morning?

Why do you open your eyes?

What gets you out of bed?

I woke up and still with my bad habit of grabbing my phone on bed. Surprised, my published book is now on first most impressive rankings on Wattpad for #solotravel and #midlife. Adding to the craze, I am on the ninth rankings for #longings and #restorations, 17th and 19th on #may-december and #blogger, respectively. Oh wow talk about mornings!

Excited I jumped to boosting my posts on instagram and facebook. I copy paste copy paste repeat on twitter. But then I said, hey, wait… hold on that for a moment Jane. Remember why you have wrote all of this?

Ah yes, it is not about the numbers. That I have kept in my heart to pray for women, even men who will be able to read this book. For people who are going through the same struggles I have. For those who have friends and love ones who are going through tough times.

Many of us are trapped inside our own walls… But we can break the chains of our past by putting our faith, no matter how weak or strong, in our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.

Day 3 Daily Devotional Celebrate Recovery Bible

Quiet time, still with my recovery devotions, I asked. Where did all the beach travels started? When did all the insanity began?

I may be wasn’t aware that I am about to unravel that I am in the midst of this midlife crisis.

I met Abdulelah, he was an Indian National. We both worked in the bank where we were colleagues. Although he was based in another country and I stayed here in Manila. I quickly fell in love, not sure with the person but definitely with the feelings. Yes that feelings of being in love. Eventually reality sets in, he said he was arranged for marriage by his family and even if he is free – I will never be accepted by his parents nor his community back in India.

I felt unloved, rejected, unwanted… I thought he played with my feelings. Worst I suffered verbal abuse from all the messages I received from him. Much worsts is that I allowed it to happen. Then my work was affected. My line of thinking distorted. I became grumpy… full of anger at work and at home.

Soon I found my self booking my plane ticket going to Boracay Islands alone.

“Don’t talk to anybody!” My gay friend Aaron told me. Just lounge on the beach and do not speak to anyone, he repeated. So I went…

Puka Beach Boracay Island Philippines

What I love about going to the shore is when I see the vast expanse. Where you some how see that line the sky meets the sea. It breaks down the walls of my insecurities and longings for love. It breaks down the barriers I have built for my self since childhood.

Now I have found joy in my pursuit to become a Writer – Photographer. With this I have to learn writing and read works of other writers. However, I wanted to stop reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love book. I didn’t like what she said about not being able to swallow what Christians insisted, that Jesus is the only path to God. With all due respect but I vehemently do not agree and I pray with all my heart for Ms. Gilbert. But I can feel her agony in those first pages of her book. The pain and all the crying in the middle of the night. While, she says I don’t want to be married anymore. I beg the Maker of the heavens and the earth, Lord I want to be married…

One thing I like also about Ms. Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love is when she mentioned about limitations, of what she will tell and not tell. The same thing when she do not want to mention why she and her husband separated. I would, with all due respect to Abdulelah, not tell why and how we separated. I have to admit and face reality that most of it was my fault and childish selfishness. I am ten years ahead of Abdulelah, from this maturity vantage point I should be the one guiding him to the right path. But no, the constant fighting went on and on until I came to a point. I dropped on my knees and cried out to God, Lord I lay down my defenses… I am tired.

God is more concerned about our character than our comfort.

– Doctor Peter Tan-Chi, Senior Pastor of Christ’s Commission Fellowship

All along I was blaming Abdulelah for all the verbal abuse. When I am the one primarily responsible and the first one to be kind to my own self. Thank God I did not inflict physical self harm, but those words I kept repeating in my head have torn my inner being with deep wounds. I thought it was beyond repair. Who am I to be worthy of any comfort?

Then I heard from one of the teachings and steps of Glorious Hope recovery sessions.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:15‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This words ripped right through my heart. I closed my eyes and see, the feet of Jesus stepping through the dirt of the earth, his outer garment in white as sunset light sips through. Jesus knows what you and I went through. If Jesus is not the only way to God? Who is and who will? What hope is there left for the kind of person like me? if Jesus wasn’t the only One?

There is hope.

I also asked, what will happen if I give up my relationship with Kevin? If I will no longer continue as one of his girlfriends? Where would I be if I give up my addiction to sensual intimacy and codependency? It is not by resistance but by replacement. Writing became my new addiction. With all the photos I took from all my past beach travels, I can now make all the photopraphs come back to life to the letter and spirit of my journals. That I can leave my pasts behind and start a new life… new love… I wake up each day excited to live what God has called me to do… just write.

I heard in one of the preachings of Pastor Peter. His wife Deona had a dream, that she came to hell to visit a friend. What is the unimaginable thing that could happen to you and me in hell? Not only the pain and sufferings, Pastor Peter added. In hell there is no consolation. No not one, no consolation to all the pain and heart aches. No one will console any one. Not the brimstones and fire… it’s a place where even if we cry out – God is not there.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I write because of the consolation I received from the Father. With this consolation, I pray I will be able to console you with the same consolation I received from God. For though my sufferings abound, so also my comfort abounds in Christ.

So Ms. Gilbert if you are by no means listening, Christianity will not make our lives storm free… Christianity is living a life – storm proof.

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