Finally Home

Zumba saved my sanity…

Well sort of.

Like I said it may be just scratching the surface but it helped me a lot to get off of the pain going through my stubborn mind.

Resentment.

I rehearse the pain over and over again in my head, with it I felt the pain over and over again. I became restless, tired, listless. They say no one can hurt you anymore unless you allow them – resentment was a subtle habit I am not aware of, that it has crept in to every inch of me.

Soon I found my self rather staying at home instead of going to office for work. I don’t go out with friends to eat, movie or just do about anything. Every time I wake up, I just stayed in bed for hours going through my phone… pointless, empty.

I didn’t know also that wanting to sleep all day long was an escape I go to each day. Just to be awake and for my mind to run again was just another day of misery.

There are days when I go to the pool side, practice yoga and just sit in one of those plastic woven beach beds. Gazing through my eyes wandering over the mountain range of Rizal Province, east of Metro Manila.

All by myself.

Isolated.

Mountain Range of Rizal Province, east of Metro Manila Philippines (April 2019)

“Jane there will be a Glorious Hope Program that will be opened up, you may want to join?” My discipleship group leader told me. So I went. I am still attending this program as of this time of writing and this is my journey to healing, recovery and restoration. I chose to journal each part and every journey to inspire others.

It’s true when they say if you fall into some kind of depression, go seek some help. I am one of those who benefited from the pain and recovery of others. Who, like me, had the courage to share their stories in each and every sessions I attend.

“I know you can do it.” Those were the last few words I heard from Kevin.

I went from a social media addict to giving up my facebook and instagram accounts, just so to help me manage my mental health along with the poor habits I have cultivated that paved the way to my depressed state. I had been in and out of facebook now and have completely facebook free for almost a month. I survived – I am still human.

Kevin always wanted me to loose weight, or not to gain weight anymore, I do not know if it’s the same thing. He also wanted me to pass the certified public accountant exams. But the warrior girl inside of me is yelling – I will write a book, I will paint, I will become a doctor on psychology helping other women like me who are having difficulties emotionally and mentally. These are too far from where and who I am today. Yes I know… many have aspired the life I have now, I am thankful. But I do believe that the reason why we are shaken is because God is leading us to somewhere, somewhere we can be a contribution to community. Some where we can be of use, where we can be truly fruitful.

“Anak (my child in Filipino), finish accounting. It would be easier for you to get a job in the bank, then we can have money for a living, you can also help your siblings go to school. After that you can buy what ever you want, then you can pursue what ever you want – artist, painter… what ever you want Jane…”. The voice of my mother, I can still remember her beautiful face, her tall frame… her toasted skin with freckles from her neck down to her right arm. She’s the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

So I did I bought everything I ever wanted, shoes, bags, clothes, watches, make ups, condos, rides, travels – posts everything on social media saying, look! am here I got all I ever wanted… but my inner self says, but not ever what my heart truly pleases.

Writing this book is one of those things my heart truly desires. I always say no one graduates from the Glorious Hope recovery program – it’s a cycle we go through in this broken world. I now found a family and I have never felt alone in my struggles. The moment I stepped on to the GH program, I have thought of my self… this is where I belong. Finally I am home.

“And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place.’” ‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭1:31‬ ‭NLT‬‬