Thirsts

“I am Kevin” extending his hand.

I couldn’t see his face as he was blocking the sun or maybe he is really tall, dark and…

“Can I get your number?” he said in a rush.

His troop was already calling him, I shook his hand and gave him my number.

Then I went back to my glass to take another sip of red wine. I almost finished two long neck bottles that day sitting on a wooden bench under a makeshift floor lamp.

The view is absolutely fabulous… it was raw, unadulterated, pure beauty.

Turublien Inn & Bar, Long Beach San Vicente Palawan (May 2019)

I met Kevin when I was still in Palawan for my two week trip. He’s a soldier, leading the troop stationed at one of the municipalities in Palawan. I first went to see my boyfriend then who promised to return but he never came back – I guess he finally chose to be with his wife and kids. Yes I was a mistress. When Kevin and I began to know each other, Kevin himself was already soon to be engaged back then with his own girlfriend. Kevin since broke up with the girl. We talked for hours, we talked about so many things, then one day he just didn’t respond anymore… same as the many men in the past, I lost Kevin too.

Yes it became too complicated… I lost my true north.

They say it runs in the family – my mother was a mistress.

Do I have to become one?

It maybe true that it runs in the family… but this is where sin runs out.

In the bible, particularly in the old testament – generational sin and curse are repeated, the sin is passed on from the first up to the fourth generation. But the thing is, it’s not only the sin that is passed on but the consequences, the curse, is passed on from the first up to the fourth generation as well. In my mind, maybe that’s the reason why there are degenerative diseases that are hereditary. It runs in the genes. I don’t know, this is just my own thoughts.

It was really painful to let go of someone who gave so much time and kindness to attention seeking person like me. I was crying my heart out with the group of ladies in one of the therapy sessions at church. I shared my prayer – Lord if this is where it will end, help me, it’s really painful, I cannot do it on my own.

I remember a story where Jesus met a Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus said to the Samaritan woman – “can you give me a drink?” The woman said, “Sir you are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman how can you ask me for a drink?” Then Jesus said “if you knew who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” The Samaritan woman replied, “Sir you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep.” Jesus said, “anyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will be a spring welling up to life.” The Samaritan woman said, “Sir give me this water so I will never thirst again.” “Go call your husband,” Jesus said. The woman replied “Sir I have no husband…” “What you said is right, you have no husband, in fact you have had five husbands and the one you are with now is not your husband,” Jesus answered. This is in the book of John chapter four.

I came to the office, literally, I dragged my feet to the office. I was supposed to go to the hospital and see my new diabetologist because I need a follow up check for my medical condition called type two diabetes. Maybe, again this is just my view, the diabetes that runs in my poor genes was triggered when my circadian rhythm went out of wack ever since I joined the business process outsourcing industry. Since then instead of normal work hours, I work middle to night shifts. “Ma’am the appointment is cancelled, doctora cannot make it,” the assistant texted. So I went to do some grocery for my flat belly detox vegetable soup but then when I was in the cab, I learned that my bank employee identification card is on the other Michael Kors bag! because I brought the Nike bag pack! But you have to congratulate me today because I didn’t spend my fortune on grab app for a private car service. When doctora’s assistant texted me, I was lining up to the stressful queues of the ever inefficient rail system of Manila. I told my self, Jane you have to fight, you have to be busy, you cannot drift away to loneliness and pain.

They say girls don’t get bags after bags, shoes after shoes out from the retail store shelves because they need it. They get, want, crave, always in need for more and more just to fill the void, thirsts, emptiness that cannot be quenched.

Like others, I went through the madness of buying things with money I do not have to impress people I do not like.

Physical thirst is often translated from Spiritual thirst. How humans are created with a God shaped vacuum that only God Himself can fill.

I cannot count the many relationships I had been with… all the joy and the pain.

I thought relationships will make me happy. Having a husband will make me normal.

Right now it’s my office break time. I look at an empty seat again across the table. I do not understand why I am alone but I cannot imagine my self being with someone. The heart is indeed deceitful above all. Just like the Samaritan woman, who, in shame went to the well alone under the scorching heat of noon day sun. Jesus met me where I am, doing my own thing with a bucket full of work alone under the scorching pain. Living in shame from the shadows of seemingly normal life. Will he ask me to call my husband? I will tell him the same thing, Sir I do not have a husband…. but I desperately ask of him now, please give me the water, the well spring of life Jesus, I do not want to get thirsty again.