Weak

Manila Bay in gray, August 2019

It’s a sad and gloomy day today.

Another storm have to pass from the north tip through the Philippines seas.

Day Two, quiet time.

Powerlessness

We may isolate ourselves from other people to keep the pain at a distance. Many of us try in one way or another to control our circumstances and the people around us.

Celebrate Recovery Bible, Daily Devotional

This is all that’s left out of my pink babies.

They used to be so many, full and vibrant.

Isolation was a tricky part for me. I’d like to believe that I am more of an introvert person. If you are my office colleague you will say… oh come on! Cut the crap Jane.

Maybe because I learned the art of pretending in the extrovert glorifying career world like the banking industry.

Not are introverts necessarily shy.

Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating.

Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not.

Quiet, authored by Susan Cain

Since I have not hidden my depression to my line managers, plus the fact that I am a disobedient, stubborn diabetic with some asthma allergies and abnormal uterine bleeding on the sidelines. I was given the privilege to work from home at my discretion. That’s why even if I am not the journalist or artist I have ever dreamed of. I am thankful with my employer right now because without their consideration about my medical condition, I really don’t know how me and my daughter will survive – financially.

Yet the aspect of staying at home for work instead of going to the office is isolation. For one, as introvert this provided me an opportunity to have the “me” time, “alone” time to regenerate and restore my energy. Because yes that general teaching about introverts, I really feel my energy is drained when I talk to a lot of people in meetings for example. Gone are the days where you have your own desks in a quiet nook of the floor. Now, office floors are designed for the so called collaboration and open door policy. But for me this new era of office space is plain and simple noise and lack of privacy.

Some of us are too proud to admit that certain areas of our lives have become unmanageable. This pride can undermine our faith, cut us off from God and prevent us from recognizing our own powerlessness.

In this mode we refuse to allow ourselves to reach out for help.

Powerless, Day 2 Daily Devotional of Celebrate Recovery Bible

This isolation on the other hand prevented me to grow in my social and emotional intelligence. Isolation, became an excuse – worst, it became a lazy habit. Until I came to the point of being tired of being tired.

That’s when I joined Glorious Hope Ministry of Christ Commission Fellowship. It is a recovery program for free. All I have to do is get out of my bed, bring some snacks for sharing, go to church and pay for a hundred peso materials. Outside if you go through the so called therapies like this will cost around thousands.

I guess I have to congratulate my self, not just to give up my pillow and bedsheets. To quit hours and hours of scrolling endlessly through Facebook, Instagram and YouTube videos. Then finally go out and pursue what will make me a better person, if not the best version of me.

So what’s holding me back for the longest time? For years I had been known in the office as a strong woman who’s able to speak my mind. I face off with people no matter who they are or where they come from. I am not the cheap type for Facebook and Twitter wars… I am a warrior of emails, audio, video meetings and phone call battles.

But I got tired.

Wounded.

Empty.

Finally, the gray clouds gave in and poured out a mighty rain. It’s down to zero visibility from my 36th floor window. The rain drops splatter outside like marbles. The winds passing like a big truck on a high way. Seems like the sky cried out… down to it’s last tears.

When I admitted, I cannot stay this way.

I need a Savior.

That’s when I gave in.

I asked for help.

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