Insanity

One author wrote, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Thank God I am still alive and breathing today – in spite of all the battles in my mind of committing suicide, I am reminded that people who commit suicide do not want to really end their lives but to end their pain. Too many times, I am comforted with the reality that the very air I am breathing today is the same continued breath God has breathed on Adam’s nostrils… who am I to take this very life?

While emotional intelligence can be learned, emotional maturity is a choice.

In my search for peace, rest and happiness, I went to the beautiful pristine beaches here in the Philippines, from the north tip of Pagudpud Ilocos Norte.

Pagudpud Beach, Ilocos Norte Philippines (December 2018)

Down to the famous Boracay Islands. But the most unforgettable is Palawan Islands. When I first set my foot, I never expected what adventure there might be. I travel, usually alone, all by myself – I believe that I can rest my mind by just being alone with my thoughts and feast my eyes on the beauty of nature. They say real happiness is taking off of our self centered focus but to look beyond more beautiful than ourselves… His creation.

Long Beach San Vicente, Palawan Province Philippines (May 2019)

Relationship break ups after break ups, career frustration after frustrations, family chaos, financial turmoils… I told my self I am tired. I kept on searching – I held on to God’s Words when He said, you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all of your heart.

Have I become corrupted?

Have my heart become corrupted?

Have I made an idol for my self?

Have I worshipped my own self?

Where is my heart in all of these?

I realized that all of the self help books, yoga, meditations, travel are all but scratching the surface. I have to face my own demons. The underlying issues. Doctor and Pastor Peter Tan-Chi once told, Christian life is not hard, it is not difficult… it is impossible without Christ.

Jane… Jane… do you hear me? Are you alright? My British boss calling me. It was my performance discussion at the multinational bank where I was working. In the middle of the meeting with my British National male boss across the table, while my other British lady boss was joining on video call from London. The voices where just like soft echoes flying through the small room, nothing sips in, my eyes wandering to no where – my heart was numb. I was then still in shock after being diagnosed with sexually transmitted infection, STI and just came back from seeing my then boyfriend from Palawan. It was a shame I could not let anyone to know about. No, all because of the image I have projected. But the truth, I lived a double life.

I cannot break down,

I have a family who depends on me,

I have a thousand bank employees on my shoulder to look after.

True enough God provided a way out – I found my self attending therapy sessions at church.

Events are triggers.

From all of these events happening to me I interpret based from my own perspective or vantage view.

Leading to strong feelings, I call emotions.

Emotions leads to decisions and motives that I carry out in actions.

From here I saw my blind spots when I do not get what I want,

I realized I was so self centered to do everything I can for my own way to happiness,

I became tired and empty,

Out of this self reliance, not knowing my view can be distorted,

I can be sincere, but I can be sincerely wrong. Making all of my relationships difficult and complicated.

I do not be little those who, like me, have searched their own self, their own freedom. But freedom is not doing what you want, it is knowing God so we may all be able to do what we are designed to do, that’s when we will be truly happy.

I wrote this book to share this journey… one day, one cancer cell may sign off… or maybe one of those hospital routines will turn out malignant. I do not know how much time left. But I know deep in the deepest heart of my heart. I want to reach out to all women, even men who are going through the same struggles that I have. I am not perfect, I am far from perfect… but I will live each day to testify that if it takes difficulties and realities of life for me to truly and honestly know God at a different intimate level. I am willing to go through the process over and over again. If I lived a life with a husband and children but without Christ. If I have the promotion I ever dreamed of but without Christ. If I could lived to be the wife I always wanted to be but without Christ. If I could have all the wealth to live a comfortable life by the beach but without Christ. I would rather go through this insanity over and over just so to be found only in Christ.

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