Fear of Failure

Gasps…

That was a bad dream.

I woke up this morning and guess what? It’s about my big project am working on right now at the office.

I seldom remember my dream. Most of them are vague, if I do remember – I just see a vivid picture of it. But this time it was almost real.

No one attended the program at the big auditorium! With the global head as the main speaker and other invited guests. Everyone was asking me where is the audience? Then I remember I did not send the meeting invite via email on Outlook!!!!!!

Second day.

Still on Day One of the Daily Devotional of Celebrate Recovery Bible.

Entitled

Denial

Page 1623-24 of Celebrate Recovery Bible

I got out of bed, grabbed my gadgets (an unhealthy habit I need to break). True enough without getting a hot cup of coffee yet for my tummy. I found myself booking the placeholder meeting invite for one of the almighty global heads of the bank. Exchanging mails with executive assistants and responding to mails, then another mail, then another.

This can’t be. I fixed my own bed. I am now here in front of the pool for this quiet time. Grabbed my hot coffee and favorite breads. After an hour I will do my yoga prayer.

Today I read:

“So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”” ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭13:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It’s easy being said than done. Particularly if there are a lot that is expected from me. This is not because of this big event am organizing next month, it goes back deep to how I was brought up as a kid. Since I came from a poor family, only few have finished college and went to get a dream job in the bank. I think this is where Philippines is left behind. Young people like me here in my country was raised to become an employee not an employ-er. From a young age we were not taught how to do our own business or pursue the dreams that we had. Steady income is good but what about passion? Did anyone asked what I really wanted in life?

Some of us have been entangled in our hurts, hang-ups for so long that they’ve become intertwined with our identity. We’re so accustomed to them and comfortable with them that WE CONFUSE WHAT WE’VE DONE WITH WHO WE ARE.

Celebrate Recovery Bible page 1624 Day 1 DENIAL

Well to start off I really do not know what I will become back then. All that was in my head was to get employed and get money.

This may be one of the setbacks of coming from a poor family. The fear of failure. That you do not want to go back to that dire estate of not being able to eat or fear tomorrow whether you will be able to eat again. That fear I saw from my mother, anxiety and worry.

I have one more favorite verse to share,

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭121:1-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬ https://www.bible.com/111/psa.121.1-8.niv

I heard one pastor was explaining the meaning of lifting eyes to the mountains – during the ancient times of battles, you would see countless men descending down the mountains, advancing for gladiator battle. Imagine the fear of seeing those multitude of soldiers and warriors like ants swarming the hills. Imagine the fear of looking at them coming near you.

Thank God we’re in the age of Facebook comments war, we don’t get to experience the gory battles of the ancient times. Way way back then women are raped, men are slaughtered and children enslaved. But why is it even with the advances of science and technology, we remain in anxiety and fear? Slave trade have long been seized, but why is it we are still slaved to our own appetite to food, sex, social media?

Pinciple One states:

Realize I’m not God;

I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

Celebrate Recovery 12 steps to recovery

Pastor Peter Tan-Chi, senior pastor of Christ Commission Fellowship once said:

Christian life is not hard, it is impossible without Christ.

Christian life is not difficult, it is supernatural.

PTC

I also learned from Pastor Peter the reality of two sides. One that is purely based on facts. Such is the western culture, where everything like depression is due to chemical and hormonal imbalance. The other, is spiritual, everything is spiritualized – like if your girlfriend is acting up you say she’s the devil! Oh it didn’t came from me, blame PTC!

I cannot deny the fact that yes I own up to my actions. But I have to accept the other reality that I cannot change on my own.

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭7:15-25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Confusing is it?

How much more in our daily lives?

Remember, as I share from this Celebrate Recovery bible

God isn’t nearly as interested in how we start the race as he is in how we finish it.

Overlooking from view deck at Irawan San Vicente Palawan. I now understand somehow, real happiness is taking off our eyes from ourselves. Contrary to popular psychology disciplines of focusing on self and past. Recovery is taking off our eyes from ourselves to something more beautiful than us, bigger than ourselves. Not just the creation… but the Creator. The inventor of beauty and pleasure Himself.

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