Search for Meaning

So here I am with my gold macbook dusting under my drawer. I’ve been working on my new iPad Pro for months now because I can use it as BYOD or our so called “bring your own device” at the office along with my jet black iPhone and sporting an iWatch… in black of course.

I am living in a high rise condominium unit but I still commute going to work using transportation app called “grab”. I come down all the way from the 36th floor swaying my Michael Kors tote, my body tied with matching MK sling bag and oh, not to forget my other arm is blinging with MK watch and bangles… also in gold. I run either in my Adidas sneakers or in my Nike shoes. Everything should be branded, I should say. Ivy Park, Marks & Spencer, Dorothy Perkins – I love the thrill of a good deal of getting “export over runs” of Ambercombie & Fitch, Esprit, Mango and the like from my favorite mall. I got pairs after pairs of leather boots, heels, platforms in gold and suede. I grin in silver colored rubber intertwined with the wires on my teeth – yes… I am in my forties and braces. In Manila, dental braces is a status symbol from high school and age is no limit.

Yep everybody says I got all I want, am working for a big well known multinational bank, I got the dream job of joining one. Enjoying myself with a six digit salary. I thought I had everything – for so I thought.

Sunset – Manila Bay, Manila Philippines (2019)

I am alone sitting here with the view of the west of Metro Manila – far down is the view of Manila bay. In a good weather the sunset is absolutely gorgeous from my window. I am thankful, yes, but for some reason – I am empty.

I am prone to addictions – once I became addictive to social media, facebook, instagram name it. Posting all of my travels, my cooking at my own pad, after session yoga beside the pool, coffee at the Starbucks. All for the sake of image… the image I have cultivated all my life, free, independent – I have arrived, I once told my self.

But deep inside I compare my self to others, with my peers at the office who got promoted while I remain to be unrecognized. I look at the pictures of my best friends having the time of their lives in Australia and London, a husband, children of their own. There are times I acknowledge that many people wish the life I have now. But there are times the pain is too excruciating that I want to end my own life.

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